13. SF (2013-2017)

I first met Steve in 2013 at a social for the New Economy Organiser’s Network (NEON), who employed him. I admired him as a dynamic political organiser and talented coder. When he established the Psychedelic Society in 2014 I went to the launch and was impressed by his vision, which matched my own dream of a society that values connection, co-operation, and wonder. At the end of 2015 I was excited when he invited me to an extended New Year’s Burner-style party in Dorset, the Purbeck New Year Happening, as it seemed to be a gathering where those values could be lived out. I was unsure about whether it would be a welcoming environment for my friends, though, due to the emphasis on taking psychedelics. I felt honoured when Steve met up with me to talk about it, reassuring me that we would have nothing to fear.

I had an exceptional time at Purbeck, and on the final night I felt huge love for everyone at the event, the co-creation ethos, and Steve, for making it happen. In the morning, however, one of my friends, A. – who has given his blessing for me to share this account – was shaking, distressed, and inconsolable. High on psychedelics, he and a friend had tried to go to bed, but found that the beds were occupied. After staying up all night, A. was experiencing paranoid hallucinations. He repeatedly apologised for ruining the event for everyone, and ruining it for Steve. My partner went to get Steve to reassure him. Steve came and seemed calm, but after a few minutes he excused himself to take part in the closing circle outside. I actually felt guilty for keeping him ‘away from’ his spectacular event, and given A.’s state of mind, I am sure he did too. With hindsight it was completely bizarre. Steve did not show concern for my friend’s wellbeing, then or at any point. 

There was no recourse to any mental health expertise at the event, and none was offered. I thought I could help my friend by hugging him, reassuring him and changing our setting. I took him to join the closing circle, though he could barely stand for shivering. I remember thinking it VERY IMPORTANT that we be there. I now feel that I was normalising what was clearly a traumatic psychological episode for my friend, who tried to apologise to the circle of 120 people for ruining the event. When the circle closed there was a group photo. After that, my partner and I couldn’t find A. anywhere. I feared he was suicidal, and that he’d gone to harm himself. We found him, but things felt that bad. A. went home with a friend, and we were relieved he was not alone. However, the next day his housemate called my partner to say that A. had been experiencing paranoid hallucinations since returning, and was still highly disturbed. (14)

Weeks later I was told by a friend that a man had raped a woman at Purbeck. This was a shattering thing to learn and put my own experiences at the event in a harsh new light. The incident was later described by the victim to have been a sexual assault. Either way, despite information about consent circulated via email before the event, when a major incident did occur, no attendee heard anything about it from the organisers. 

Immediately after the serious assault, it had been unclear who committed it. Steve called A. the day after Purbeck to question him about whether he raped someone. A. was still experiencing hallucinations and paranoia, but was clear with Steve about not being involved. When the actual perpetrator was identified, they were quietly banned from future events. Nothing was said to attendees via the event channels, for the sake of the survivor - though I now feel it also suited Steve to avoid accountability around the boundary-pushing approach to consent, intoxicants, and mental wellbeing at events he instigated, co-organised, and provided infrastructure for. Steve’s call was his sole contact with A. after the event; he did not update him about what happened after that, or check in with him to see how he was doing. A. did not return to FTO spaces.

I remained close with friends involved in FTO, and listened to their accounts of incidents at Anderida and the 2016 Nowhere festival. I began to feel that worrying patterns were emerging in the community. I then felt that I was being too much a critic, and decided to be constructive. I went to the next event, The Rewylding, and, among other things, co-delivered a power and privilege workshop which explored intersections of sexism, racism, class and ableism. Steve was supportive of the workshop in the run up to the gathering. On the morning it was due to take place, I went into the communal kitchen and found Steve and one of the co-facilitators kissing. She had had an on-off relationship with Steve, and had become critical of the power and gender dynamics of his events, so this surprised me a little and I wondered if he had launched a charm offensive with her. It was only a small thing, but I remembered it when similar situations began to crop up later on.

The workshop was well-attended, but I noticed a divide between people who had experienced oppression in Burner communities and elsewhere, and those who were aggrieved when this was discussed. I observed that the few people of colour there were invited to take visible roles, but their contributions were in some cases deprioritised or criticised. At the event more generally, the culturally appropriative decor and clothing felt very heightened given that we were all taking psychedelics and the majority of participants were white and ambivalent about the presence and influence of actual people of colour. I left the gathering feeling unhappy and frustrated about the racial dynamics of the community. (14, 15)

In December Steve proposed a mediation with my friend K (2) to address her concerns about exclusion and sexism at gatherings. On December 19 I went as her support. Steve's behaviour at the mediation struck me as manipulative: he stated his adherence to Buddhist principles of benevolence and goodwill, then smilingly insulted K’s character. When she spoke she began to cry, and he dropped to his knees to kiss her hand and press it to his face, which seemed strange given the very analytical and cruel things he had just said about her. His behaviour throughout was performative in a way that caused me to lose faith in him. When I raised concerns about my friend’s experience at Purbeck, his response was to assure me that in future there would be an application process to filter out people with mental health issues. He did not seem phased by the incident of sexual assault, which I also raised. 

Since speaking with LB, I have realised that Steve’s behaviour at the Treguddick party happened just two weeks after this mediation. I find this fact deeply disturbing. (9, 10)

Steve’s long-term response to the exclusivity issue was to code an app where potential party-goers had to pitch themselves, and win votes, in order to go. After the mediation, I suggested to him that seeking therapy may give him space to work through his own experiences, and his response was to apply to a psychotherapy qualification course at the University of East London. This suggested to me that he preferred to work towards being in a position of authority over others. (The UEL application did not come to fruition, but he has continued to seek psychotherapeutic qualifications. According to his website he took a psychotherapy training course at the Karuna Institute in 2020.)

Notes from the mediation were shared with some FTO members after the meeting via a private Facebook group. One well-received post from an influential FTO member variously described the concerns that K and I raised as ‘a bitter shade’, ‘a nasty guest’ and ‘parasitic energy’. When I spoke to other influential FTO people in person, they lacked curiosity about why many women have issues with Steve and his events, and implied that unless I could throw parties as spectacular as Steve’s, I should leave things alone. Only loving, compassionate feelings appeared to be valid. This struck me as repressive and ultimately dishonest.

The final FTO gathering I went to was not co-organised by Steve, but the person who used the above ‘parasite’ phrasing. Looking back, I think I was hoping to prove to myself and others that I was none of the things quoted above. The event, Howling Earth, happened in January 2017. Though I felt tense there, my friends and I had a nice, gentle time. On the last morning I learnt that someone with a history of fragile mental health had gone missing overnight after having an adverse reaction to hallucinogens. The missing woman was thankfully found, but had to be sectioned for her own safety. Later that day another participant who’d been showing signs of severe mental deterioration became threatening to others. She was sectioned too. 

In February 2017 three ex-FTO friends and I drafted a detailed Safer Spaces policy for future events, but it drew little support from key event organisers. I began to feel that FTO was dangerous and culty, and withdrew from those still involved. The groupthink, gaslighting and minimisation of harm was affecting my mental health. I was second-guessing my perceptions, identity and instincts. This continued even after I stepped away, and sometimes still affects me, despite having had therapy.

I did know I was not alone in being disturbed by this culture. Over time I met many women and nonbinary people who attended the gatherings and struggled with how men treated them there. I know of women experiencing unwanted caresses, being pressured into sex, being pressured into unprotected sex, experiencing a traumatic orgy scenario, and sexual assault. When #MeToo happened, several posts on my Facebook timeline related to men involved in FTO. 

In 2019, LB joined my workplace, and I recognised her/them from FTO. We spoke of it, cautiously at first. When we did share more openly, we were both relieved to find we agreed there was something very wrong going on. That was when LB told me what they have disclosed in their testimony, which is that Steve initiated non-consensual sex with them at the aforementioned 2016 NYE gathering, the Treguddick Rites, and that they have physically dreaded encountering him ever since. (9, 10)

When people discuss abuses of any kind within FTO, they are accused of lacking compassion or being repressive; pressured into deleting social media posts; or manipulated into private mediations that protect the person who requests them. Harms done are deemed to have been consensual, even though the whisper network and various workshops, online discussions, safety policies, and mediations suggest otherwise.

My hope is that this testimony and others can eventually prompt new connections, new understandings, and new opportunities to heal, for everyone involved.

 SF (2013-2017)